I really like holidays. I do. But I also suffer from a little issue where holidays are concerned: fatigue. My fatigue, however, has nothing to do with the constant onslaught of decor, music, and commercials in the stores. Mine is a bit more insidious: it's entirely of my own making. I suffer from high expectations, and lack of time.
This Halloween I decided to make three costumes....Toast's, mine, and Hubby's. I didn't actually begin this process until this week (procrastination!), but figured I'd still be able to get them done in plenty of time. The problem is, as I'm completing them I sit and think to myself "now this? No one is going to think this is clever, or funny. What's the point, really?" Then everything really starts to go downhill and I start to second guess myself, my choices, and the whole holiday. Why don't I just stay in the house and watch movies for the evening?
Inevitably, some event arises that necessitates my attendance somewhere, usually smack in the middle of the plans that are failing so splendidly around me. This year it's a party given by a friend...it's a yearly thing and I have never been. It starts to look a bit suspicious when you are friends with someone for years and never attend the biggest event in their yearly schedule. So now there's the aded expectation that I need to go to this party and it needs to be the *biggest!* and *best!* party I've ever been to. In the costume I'm not entirely confident about.
This happens with Christmas. It happens in the summer with our summer plans. It happens all the time: build up, lack of confidence, overwhelm, fatigue, ennui. It's a vicious cycle in which I don't actually live up to the expectations I set for myself and I get all bent out of shape about it. I'd like to say that this is because life keeps happening while I try to plan the "perfect" holiday experience (whatever that is), but really it's my own doing.
I've got to find a way to fix this, to take things a little easier, to experience...not make experiences.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone